Two worlds, one interaction. Two realities create two personalities. Two reflections deeply connected for they are both the same as well as the opposite. Through constant interaction, they both change. The dominant half influences the submissive half until it becomes dominant and the tables turn. It’s a pattern of progress which cannot be stopped. And to think it all started with developing a strategy to restrict my mind and make sure there will only be one man pulling the strings, the one i see in the mirror. I know i couldn’t have chosen a better leader. As i stand before it staring at my own reflection i can sense waves of information breaking through the thin piece of glass separating two worlds, reality and fiction. I know there is nothing on the other side, it’s all in my own mind divided through an optical illusion. Never trust what you see, salt also looks like sugar. Yet the taste tells a different story, it proofs us how unreliable our eyes actually are. As soon as you realize that you start looking for other ways to determine the nature of things. Once you determine the nature of things you understand you do not have to be like water, because you have always been like water without knowing it. A substance through which waves can propagate. And if you understand that the propagation of these waves is the foundation of your being then you will comprehend immortality. All these things you see and act upon have never been as important as you thought it whas. We are all formless, shapeless and endless, but limited in our vision by our own restrictions. And then we wake up, from a long sleep or an endless dream shocked of what we see. Our eyes carefully register what happens around us in images, while the mind transforms it into a complete picture. We see chaos, constant decline and disintegration of mental unification by specialisation. A growing eye for detail and a declining view on the bigger picture, for constant division has set the scales of balance and now we are in a declining motion. Isn’t that an interesting way to start a story? But what if isn’t just a story, but a complete view on reality? What if the game has already begun? This is more than just a story, this is my life. To those who haven’t figured it out already i have a confession to make; i have an information processing disorder. I can’t remember how long i have had it and if it is a product of nature or nurture, but i have had this for as long as my memories go back. My senses are extremely sharp and i can absorb an incredible amount of information from a variety of different principles or sources, a lot more than a human mind can usually process. I tried to run away from it for years by pushing all information which i couldn’t process aside, but the pile of ignored information became bigger and bigger and i knew somewhere in that pile had to be a way out. And so i started digging inside my own abyss and found more than i could ever imagine. A lot more than my own identity, something a man like me shouldn’t have found. At least that’s my own opinion. I guess if i had no need for it i wouldn’t have found it, for power comes to the call of a need not a desire. Every answer i found raised the same question; who am i? Am i Sativa? Or Avitas? Or maybe i am Savita, a combination of the inner and outer me to perform the miracle of one only thing; unification. I never gave much thought into the names i bear. Sativa stands for my social creative side which i suppressed by using Indica medication. Avitas is what comes out eventually if don’t suppress; my destructive dominant side. I used to consider Avitas to be my evil side, but since it always comes out to the call of a need it has to be my powerful side. Then again, if that side was so powerful how come i was able to push it aside? So many questions are still left unanswered, and that’s fine for now. As long as i am searching, i will be writing. As long as i am writing i am changing, slowly becoming one with my opposite half. There’s no hurry, time is on my side. My age is thirty one and my life has never been so easy and complicated at the same time. I stand on the edge of countless paradoxes and see beyond the limits of common perception. What more can a man wish for? Perhaps people to share it with. You are here now, so i will share it with you. As long as we share we change, this counts for both the writer and the reader. They both form another paradox, both human but on the opposite side of the interaction. Two worlds divided through a piece of paper, but waves of information will break through.
Today we are staying in one world; the one you are all in as well. A lot of things happened as i advance through the path i chose in order to change myself. I keep on searching for ways to invoke my fears and confront them. I know it is the only way to repair myself. The sun rises slowly as i wake up in a small house somewhere in the north of the Netherlands. I am Avitas and i shouldn’t be here, but i am and i know how and why. Two worlds are divided through a wall of reflections, but i came through as information. However, this body doesn’t work the way it should work, i am aware of that. I stand before you as a broken man, and i need to fix myself. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and i have walked that road many times now. Every time i get a bit deeper into my state of self awareness hoping to find the programming errors in my mind and a way to fix them. To defeat my demons, and they come with many. So what is your greatest fear? Have you ever imagined a pain so terrible that you would rather die than feel it any longer? Imagine that pain being stuck with you forever, that is hell. For me it is the pain of seeing someone you love being destroyed in front of you. I know it has everything to do with my past memories and a feeling of weakness it invokes which have never managed to process decently. I found that out the hard way, by searching for experiences similar to my past memories. I learned from those experiences that who i was has been a simple product of teaching and nurture, but it has never been my nature. Nature and nurture are two important aspects of psychology, but they are not properly aligned. Nature is the opposite of nurture nowadays. It causes internal division and in struggle against our nature we are weakened and easily conquered. I am awake and aware, and i have aligned nature and nurture the past few years to unify those. The best nurture is to become one with nature, and in this oneness we can find many colors. It’s a nice speech, but it’s not a story. The story is already happening and i can’t tell you how this is going to end. I don’t know, since i already walked across a border which i thought i would never cross. I know my fears drew those lines which i thought i could never cross, and i keep on removing them one by one. That is the story, as simple as it is. I can’t guarantee you that you will be able to see the end of this, because i could very well meet my maker in the process. I do not fear death anymore, not for me that is. If i would i wouldn’t be training with a razor-sharp katana on a daily basis. Unfortunately the past few weeks learned me i still fear death for the people around me, as i have walked beside a girl with suicidal thoughts who has put some of those thoughts in action. It is hard to understand for a man who always fought to survive why someone would try so hard to kill themselves, but it does open your eyes. Allow me to share the experience with you.